If you’re straight and cisgender, the daily difficulties of being LGBTQI+ are likely pretty alien to you.

Difficulties that can range from feeling afraid to reveal your sexuality or gender identity at work, to being aggressively abused walking down the street with your partner. It can be hard to know how to react or respond when an LGBTQI+ loved one confides in you about these situations and experiences; instinctively you’ll empathize and want to help them feel better, maybe you’ll jump in and give them advice or voice your opinion on the problem. Maybe you accidentally don’t respond, for fear of saying something wrong or upsetting them more… It’s tough to know the right way to be supportive of someone whose experience is so different from your own.

I’m here to tell you there is no one right way; everyone’s experiences and relationships are totally different, and people appreciate support in all kinds of forms. But there are some fundamental things that people can do to support their LGBTQI+ loved ones and be better allies in general.

1. It sounds obvious, but listen.

This is the single most important thing you can do. No one person is the same so, let your friend or family member tell you how you can be supportive and what would be meaningful for them, personally. Try not to be defensive or get offended if they try to tell you that you’re not understanding where they’re coming from. Hear them and then adapt. It may be your natural reaction to give advice if they tell you about a certain situation, incident, or feeling, but try to refrain from automatically doing this unless it’s been directly asked for. Sometimes, it’s a little uncomfortable to receive advice from someone acting as a voice of authority on a topic they don’t actually have to experience. The struggles and joys of being LGBTQI+ are very specific.

2. Educate yourself.

Don’t rely on your friend or family member to be the source of all your learning when it comes to LGBTQI+ related topics. A lot of the time they may already be burdened by their own troubles and those of their community. Have to explain yourself and educate others is often extra emotional labor, and your loved one may not have energy for it.

Google is a brilliant thing — use it.

It would be such a loving gesture to educate yourself on certain issues, to learn the correct language, stay up to date with LGBTQI+ news, follow LGBTQI+ activists and icons, watch films, understand our history, read articles and essays. All these things would indicate that you’re putting in the effort to learn and support their community and identity. Tune in to the heteronormativity of our society and find, fund, and fuel the projects and work that is seeking to undo this. Everyone should be doing their part to create better, more equal representation. Immersing yourself in this learning will likely allow you to feel more comfortable as a listener for your friend when it comes to LGBTQI+ topics, as they’ll become less alien to you.

3. Speak up.

Don’t let homophobic, biphobic, transphobic or any offensive rhetoric go unchallenged. If you hear or see something abusive, even if there are no LGBTQI+ people around — advocate for our community and shut down derogatory and disrespectful attitudes that perpetuate violence and stigma and pain. Silence in these moments is an act of solidarity with the abuse. Confidently destroy the attitudes and misconceptions that make it dangerous for us to exist and difficult for us to feel at peace. This is how you can tangibly be supportive of the LGBTQI+ community: by using your voice to silence aggressors and defend our existence and identities.

4. Unpack your own biases and prejudices, even if it’s uncomfortable.

From a young age, we’re taught to internalize a huge range of wrong and confusing ideas about the body, gender, sexuality, and sex. Undoubtedly, these misconceptions settle somewhere in the back of our minds, influencing the way we think and act — even if it’s subconscious.

It is important that we all, including people in the LGBTQI+ community, delve into these ideas, in order to reform them into more real, honest and accurate understandings of identity expression. There’s no problem in initially having a misguided idea of, for example, what pansexuality ‘is’ — as long as the time is subsequently taken to dismantle and replace this prejudice with the truth. However, be sure you’re drawing from preexisting content and research. There is so much already out there, therefore, you don’t need to request explanation from individuals unless it’s directly offered to you – reference tip two.

5. Know your privileges.

If you recognize how the hierarchy of social systems makes existing as an LGBTQI+ person beautifully different, but also, harder and occasionally painful, then you then will recognize how your privilege affects your experience of the world. Never forget and always acknowledge your privileges, especially when trying to comfort a LGBTQI+ identifying friend.  

6. With that being said, don’t ‘other’ us or view LGBTQI+ people as mythical or different. 

While elements of our identities are indeed different from the majority of our very cis-heteronormative world, we are still human and most likely way more similar to you than we are different. Being LGBTQI+ is only one piece of the identity puzzle. And yes, we are protective of our community because we need a safe space to share. However, each of us — you too, reader — is made up of several different puzzle pieces. This leads us to the 7th tip…

7. Consider the intersectional nature of people’s identities.

The way in which our identities filter our experiences is so deeply layered and nuanced and complex. Everyone will go through and react to things so differently; no one person is the same. Within the LGBTQI+ community, there’s an infinite array of different identities. For example, a black, straight, transgender man living in a liberal and diverse city most likely has a very different experience than a non-binary, bisexual, Muslim person living in a small conservative town… the point is, no one has the same life story. It’s important to know that just because we may share a label, it doesn’t mean we are all exactly the same.

If you find yourself struggling to understand the intricacies of gender and sexual identity, Stonewall’s glossary is a really great place to start: https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/glossary-terms

Photos (in order of appearance) by Brian Vu, Harley Weir, Lizzie Steimer, Petra Collins, Andreia + Nathalia Takeuchi, and Wong Kar Wai.