Men & Emotions: A 404 Error
0 / 0 / December 6 2018

Although I don’t have a lot of experience with being fully emotionally invested in a lot of men… I can say there’s a very prominent pattern that surfaces 80% of the time: they become a somewhat consistent presence in my life.

Whether it’s a lack of empathy, the inability to verbally respond to (mild) conflict without resorting to anger/ghosting, or a plain incapability in dealing with their own emotions — there’s often something that makes you take a step back and shake your head in disappointment when a man is present. 

Now, before any rabid, foam-mouthed screecher aggressively types, “nOt AlL mEn,” through gritted teeth behind their screen, I am not talking about all men. But nonetheless, a CONCERNING AMOUNT of men I’ve encountered have displayed lower levels of emotional intelligence. So let us all, in unison, take a deep breath and prepare ourselves to digest the food for thought I’m about to feed you. 

I’ll begin by saying that I assume partial responsibility for these recurring instances of mild heartbreak and helplessness. Perhaps it’s just the type of men I choose to pursue! If only I could find out which type of men tend to be more dysfunctional then maybe — just maybe — I can start avoiding this specific male subset like the plague! So, jolly and eager to investigate, the time has come to uncover the possible upstanding barrier(s??? yikes) between me and that seemingly impossible healthy courtship.

 

Why are the men I’m attracted to so emotionally handicapped? 

 

A.) Do I subconsciously lust after those bad boy nuances? 

This is an internal phenomenon one can only call self-sabotage. Every single pursuit I’ve had with men of this caliber has failed me, and yet I never seem to learn. My sadomasochistic desire to mutilate my own sanity remains unfaltering. It’s like I actively choose to blind myself whenever incompatibility looks me dead in the eyes; plastering my hands over my sockets whenever red flags attempt to present themselves. 

For whatever reason, I strive to become the saving grace of these men. I daydream about posing heroically on top of a cliff while my starstruck and stunted lover praises me from below, screaming “SHE DID IT! SHE CHANGED ME! I’M A BETTER MAN!” at the top of his lungs. Why?

Do I view “damaged” men as an exciting, esteem-boosting opportunity to showcase my persuasive talents, achieving success when I manage to steer them away from bad behaviors and towards a more enlightened path?

Do I use them to fulfill some deeply repressed maternal need to nurture?

Is this just me trying to prove my “wifey” skills and pet-like “through thick and thin<3<3<3” selflessness, hoping my worth as a life partner will come to light?

Is this what I feel I have to do/be in order to be seen as “different” and “not like the other girls”?

Do I deliberately seek out these men because I lowkey feel I’m undeserving of anything proper that’ll yield a positive contribution to my life —

I digress.

I’ve tried to rewire my brain to veer away from these toxic cravings, but they are rooted in something beyond my conscious comprehension. The only thing I can do to alleviate the pain I’m putting myself through is to recognize the red flags and hope, for my own well-being, that I have the willpower required to say, “thanks : – ), but NO thanks : – (” to all the emotionally inept men who come my way.

My main problem with this is that self-restraint and internal “pros and cons” analysis have never been a practice of mine. So me saying, “Yes please” in response a devil’s spawn’s request to enter my life wouldn’t come as a surprise. Think of me as Eve and poisonous men as the apple… gobble gobble! That’s all I have say for myself.

 

B.) Is it just their young age?

It’s definitely part of it. But if I were to hypothetically gallop away from the smooth skin and towards the wrinklier flesh, would I be willing to spend the remainder of my youth snorting the scent of wine, swiveling it in my glass until I show symptoms of carpal tunnel — all for the adoration of a man who’s going through his fourth midlife crisis?

Maybe. I’ve really sold this scenario to myself — it’d be quite the experience. But I don’t think I can fake i(n)t(erest) for that long when the “making it” isn’t that fulfilling. I’m sure their life experiences would mean they’re more emotionally adept, but being around these silver-fox-esque activities just isn’t my cup of tea at the moment.

 

C.) Is it related to issues regarding men and hyper-masculinity?

Simply put — yes. It’s something that, for once, I don’t have to blame myself for. This socialization manifests itself in many ways: from some men genuinely being unable to describe/pinpoint what they’re feeling — which is clinically referred to as alexithymia — to difficulty expressing any emotion besides the “understandable” (and oftentimes encouraged) outbursts of Manly, testosterone-fueled anger. These established gender norms affect crucial components of healthy interpersonal relationships, and I’ll tell you why.

The expectations placed on men to “toughen up” and “be a man” will inevitably result in the suppression of anything seen to reflect “vulnerability” (i.e. a traditionally “feminine” trait). However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, only through honest communication and mutual transparency can a relationship grow. And that honesty and transparency requires vulnerability.

This ongoing problem is heavier and much more worrying than it first appears. If someone has difficulty understanding and interpreting their emotions, it often affects the way they will absorb, perceive, and process events throughout their life, including, for example, trauma. Asking someone with an underdeveloped emotional repertoire to process trauma (of any degree) will likely result in the adoption of unhealthy coping mechanisms, psychopathology, and possible projection onto others via — you guessed it! — anger and aggression. 

Men have to unlearn the ideologies surrounding the acceptability of emotions based on gender, and then relearn how to process emotions in such a way that not only benefits them, but the people around them. This can’t all be done internally; there has to be some external societal change in how we raise and teach boys to express their emotions (not to mention how male peers react to each other’s emotional expression). Because let’s be real, certain masculine social standards are borderline inhumane. No one should have to endure a feeling of anxiety/inadequacy if they fail to fit into our culture’s macho ideal.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done. If the world did indeed revolve around me, I’d do us all a favor and enforce mandatory emotional development classes for men.

 

In conclusion…

As my condensed analysis draws to a close, I’ve realized the answer to why I continually fall for emotionally unintelligent men could be either A or B or C or all of the above. Or maybe this is one of those situations where everything’s intertwined to some extent and I’ll never be able to figure out the dynamics of it all. Nonetheless, I’ve gotten a lot of things off my chest writing this. All that’s left to do now is just: live… and hope that eventually, at some point — fingers crossed it’s in the next few years — the answer will come to me and I will be at peace.

Curiosity really does kill the cat(‘s psyche). Until then, I shall self-medicate by telling myself that nothing is as bad as it seems.

 

All photos by Ashley Armitage