Love Is A Healing Game
0 / 0 / March 23 2019

If I could go back in time and stop my 16-year-old self from entering a mentally abusive relationship, I wouldn’t.

Although my wounds are healing still to this day, I learned so much about myself in the process that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise. I know it sounds a little fucked up, but that relationship taught me self-love and resilience. Healing from the pain of a toxic relationship can take years, even an entire lifetime, and it affected me in more ways than I ever could’ve imagined.

During the relationship, I was addicted to the constant highs and lows. The intensity of the relationship made it feel so real. The highs were so high that I didn’t think twice about how low the lows were. The highs made the constant anxiety, disrespect, and manipulation worth it. With my anxious attachment style, I didn’t know better than to give my all to a relationship, no matter how unhealthy it was. And being at such a vulnerable age, I didn’t have the tools to detect the signs of emotional abuse. I thought the abuse was what real love was. My friends told me over and over again that the boy I was dating was a crazy, manipulative asshole, but I never believed them, not once. It eventually came to the point where I had to choose between my friends or him, and I chose him.

When I moved away to college, the emotional abuse became unbearable. The long distance pushed me to my breaking point. I’d cry every night underneath my sheets so that my roommate wouldn’t hear. I’d decline offers to go out just so that I wouldn’t have to carry the anxiety of a potential argument afterward. Going out with friends was a constant cause of arguments in our relationship. He’d ridicule me for hanging out with my friends and compare himself to them. He didn’t want me to be happy without him — he’d rather me live a life of sadness when we weren’t together. He wanted the distance to consume me, to eat me alive. I was so good at hiding the abuse with my friends. I’d only express the highs and hide the lows. However, it got to the point where I was unable to hide it anymore.

I began to run out of excuses as to why I didn’t want to go out with friends. Stuck inside my head for most of each day, I was depressed and unable to help myself, and it finally started to show. I decided to swallow my pride and open up to my roommate about what I was experiencing. She was in awe of my experience because she had virtually no idea the pain I was going through.

As we talked, my roommate’s insight really opened my eyes to the reality of my abusive relationship. It seems like signs of abuse should be obvious, but when you’re in the middle of it, the lines become blurred. Abuse can warp your perceptionto me, the abuse seemed like a form of love. I thought that he was saying abusive things because he loved me so much. I thought that he was controlling me because he wanted to keep me safe. I thought the nonstop communication between us was healthy, what people in relationships strive for.

When I finally was able to identify that I was in an abusive relationship, the idea of being in a worry-free, supportive relationship seemed so out of reach to me. I think it took me so long to see the abuse because I didn’t want to believe it. I’m such a hopeless romantic that I wanted things to work, no matter how toxic it was. Throughout the duration of the relationship, I pushed all of my intrusive thoughts to the side. I never wanted to speak up for myself because I feared he would view me as unattractive or I would make the situation worse. Now I know how valuable speaking your mind is in a relationship — being honest and open is powerful, and you should never have to fear speaking your truth. My roommate helped me see what’s right and wrong in a relationship. My experience in the abusive relationship has taught me to value the knowledge I’ve gained, and my current relationship, so much more. I am so grateful for all that I left behind and all that I gained along the way.

Although leaving an emotionally abusive relationship can be extremely daunting, it is imperative in order to move forward. You cannot continue to live through the unnecessary pain inflicted upon you daily. There is so much good out there waiting for you in the world. I find it helpful to look at my experience in an abusive relationship as a lesson that made me into the person I am today. Leaving was draining, but I am so much stronger because of the abuse I endured and the lessons I learned along the way.

I still feel effects of the emotional manipulation on a day-to-day basis, but I can learn from them. When I experience irrational thought patterns, I make sure to take a step back and breathe. I ask myself why I’m experiencing a particular feeling, and what I can take away from it. I’m evolving into a better person every day. I choose to recognize that my experience has allowed me to become a more sensitive, passionate, and caring person.

I plan to continue to transform my pain into motivation to better myself and deepen my love for myself.

 

 

Photos (in order of appearance) by Noelle Lucceshi, Shannon Rudd, and Amanda Baker.