Telling your family and loved ones that you’re an addict is no small feat.
Speaking as someone who has done it herself (twice), I can say without a doubt that it was the hardest decision I’ve made, and it continues to be the toughest one to carry out…
First, you have to reach the point at which you can no longer deny the fact that you are an addict and that you have an actual illness. And, let me just tell you… that can take much longer than one would think. The disease alters the chemistry of the brain and actually changes one’s ability to perceive themselves and their behaviors accurately.
For example, I would convince myself that I needed to buy a gram of cocaine in order to have one last hurrah before quitting for good. However, I went through that exact thought process for years before I realized how deeply in denial I was.
This behavioral defect ensures that an addict continues to seek out and abuse substances, no matter how much it continues to destroy them and their life. Crazy, right? Everything else aside, I’ve got to give it to this disease for being so fucking smart in its ability to maintain its existence in the body. It’s a true evil genius.
So, yeah, like I said, getting to the point where you actually realize that you have an addiction can be one tricky motherfucker. And then, once you’re no longer in denial about the fact that you have it — you actually have to get to a point where you want to admit it to your loved ones. That can take an even longer time, because from the moment you come forward with your addiction, your behaviors and actions will become scrutinized and analyzed by everyone around you. There’s no alternative choice but to stop, which is not exactly an addict’s ideal situation.
This is why it took me years after acknowledging that I had a problem to actually come forward about how serious my coke addiction was. I didn’t want people knowing that it was an issue. I didn’t want my friends to A) stop doing it with me or B) prevent me from doing it. I didn’t want to quit, obviously. And, you have to want to quit or it simply won’t work. It took three years for me to want to quit coke, and I’m happy to say that as of now, I am six months clean. Halle-fuckin-lullah.
My drinking, however, is a different story.
I was so focused on my coke addiction for such a long time that I didn’t realize how badly my alcohol abuse had become. In fact, I only realized it for myself a few months ago. But once I did have that realization, I knew that I had to tell my friends and family that I was an addict…again. I suppose the bright side is that I was able to do so much faster this time around because once you admit the first addiction, the next ones become easier (yay?).
Now that I’ve had to admit that I am an addict to my loved ones on two separate occasions, I feel as though I’m warranted in writing an article about the best ways to respond when a loved one tells you they’re an addict.
I have the credentials. I know which responses made me feel supported and which ones made me want to intake more drugs. I have also been on the receiving end of this situation in the cases of multiple different loved ones, and I’ve done my research on what I could have done better considering my reactions were not all too stellar. So, I’ve been on both sides of this equation, and I’ve learned my do’s and don’t, which I hereby pass on to you:
The Don’ts:
Don’t say: ‘I knew it’ or ‘I can’t believe this.’ Instead say: ‘Thank you for telling me, I’m sure that must have been difficult for you.’
A little compassion goes a long way at this stage. Not centering this issue around yourself also goes a long way. Do you really need to communicate to them your level of knowledge about their addictive behaviors? Not really.
They are coming to you with the truth for assistance, and as I elaborated so eloquently in the first few paragraphs of this guide, getting to that point is not exactly easy. So, don’t be a dick. All you need to express to them in this moment is your love and support for them. They took a long ass journey to get there, so let them rest and have a glass of water before asking them about their trip. Ya feel?
Don’t say: ‘You need to do…’ Instead say: ‘How can I best support you through this?’
You don’t know what is best for them in this situation. Even if you’ve gone through this before yourself, or if you think you know what was best for your aunt’s friend’s cousin’s step-daughter that one time, this is a unique situation regarding a unique individual who has unique symptoms and unique needs that will help manage those symptoms. You can offer suggestions if they’re stumped—with the help of an addiction counselor of course—but, you can’t tell them what they need to do because they might not even know.
Don’t say: ‘Have you tried stopping?’ Instead say: ‘I will help you to the best of my ability.’
If they’re in front of you asking for help, rest assured that they’ve tried stopping. They wouldn’t be coming to you and letting you know about an incredibly personal and difficult issue if they didn’t think they needed help. They don’t need any reminders that they can’t stop, and they certainly don’t need to feel the Shame Wizard when they have to admit to you their inability to stop abusing said substance. In addition, stopping cold turkey might not be the best option for them. In some situations, it can actually be a dangerous option. So, instead of making assumptions, just inform them that you support whatever choice is best for their wellbeing and livelihood. That’s what they need from you right now, and the decisions about their recovery can be made with the help of a professional at a later time.
Don’t say: ‘What’s wrong with you’ or ‘How could you let this happen?’ Instead say: ‘This isn’t your fault, addiction is a disease, but we do need to come up with a plan to help you manage it’
We need to dispense with the belief that addiction is a failing on the addict’s part to behave ethically. It is a serious disease that alters brain chemistry and behavior and should be treated as such. It is not the addict’s fault, and blaming them is not only incorrect and ableist, but it will most likely push them further into the arms of addiction. Make sure that they know you know it’s a disease. Their illness needs to be validated by a loved one. Nevertheless, you should express to them that a plan needs to be made. It is not their fault, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need to take action to manage it. It doesn’t need to be right in that exact moment, but they do need to seek out the advice and help of a professional, like a substance abuse counselor, an addiction psychiatrist, or an AA/NA meeting.
The Do’s:
Do start going to Al-Anon, a support group for family members of alcoholics. You need help right now, too.
In addition to showing your loved one support, you’ll also need some support, too. Al-anon is the place to get it. Al-anon is a support group for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. Loved ones of alcoholics and addicts tend to either naturally prescribe to certain behaviors or develop them as a result of having an addict in their life. These behaviors can be truly harmful to your mental wellbeing, so you need to be in a safe place where you talk about them and work through them and understand how to manage them. These groups are judgement-free spaces that include other people who know exactly what you’re going through and can help you deal with it. I go to them in addition to AA/NA meetings because having a parent who is an alcoholic/addict definitely affected my behaviors growing up as well as currently. Seeking out a group that offers me understanding and support during this aspect of my life was the best decision I made. I would highly recommend it.
And, last but not least, DO take care of yourself right now. This is an emotional and draining experience and you need to practice some major self-care, ya hear?
If you or a loved one are struggling with substance abuse, the follow resources may be helpful:
SAMHSA National Helpline, a 24/7 free and confidential information service for individuals facing substance use issues: 1-800-662-4357
All photos by Isabelle Abbott.