Happy Pride Month — I think I’m pansexual.

Sexual fluidity is a norm nowadays, and it’s especially apparent living in a city like New York where pretty much anything goes.

I’ve always been in heterosexual relationships and have no regrets about the deep connections I’ve shared with men throughout my life. However, I realized very, very young that my sexual orientation was not deeply fixed to one side of the spectrum. 

When I was about 11 years old, I stumbled upon Cruel Intentions. It seemed okay enough, nothing out of the ordinary — until I saw the infamous scene. You know the one. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair sharing a steamy makeout session during a picnic in the park.

I couldn’t look away. I felt something. I felt aroused, and then I felt ashamed. I shouldn’t be watching this. I shouldn’t feel this way. Why am I so turned on and how can I make it stop?

As I matured and internet access became more available, I spent late nights with the door closed searching the web for all versions of sapphic imagery: photos, videos, written erotica, etc. This curiosity was a dirty secret I could only share with myself.

Once I went to college, I felt an unparalleled pressure that — if I was actually in any way something other than straight — being at college was the place to explore this. I kissed a few women here and there, mostly feeling nothing, but nonetheless felt the compulsion to open my laptop before bed a few times a week for a X-rated video nightcap.

I’ve typed into Google “Does watching lesbian porn make you gay?” countless times, and judging from the results, thousands of other women had, too. After doing my research, the takeaway was: No — watching lesbian porn does not make you gay.

However, even though I felt validated by sexuality-questioning forums and advice columns, I still felt like I was not actually straight. These webpages mentioned almost nothing about watching exclusively lesbian porn, and being virtually unable to get off to man/woman porn (with a few exceptions). 

I have never been in a relationship with another woman, but I have a prominent anxiety that one day, when I’m in my 40s and married to a man, I’ll house some semblance of regret that I never explored that side of myself.

And yet, in my current life, I don’t feel compelled to.

I’m currently in a relationship with a man. A beautiful, generous partner who satisfies me emotionally and sexually on a regular basis. I don’t really feel like I’m missing out on a side of myself that I haven’t tapped into yet, but I do worry that I’m missing my prime experimentation years… whatever that means.

I have my finger on the pulse of this anxiety, and I monitor it regularly. To quell this feeling, I think it’s best for me to cross that bridge when I come to it.

This essay has no takeaway. It’s Pride Month and NYC is swarming with people unabashedly being themselves and expressing love to whomever they choose. It just has my gears turning. Am I actually pansexual? Am I bisexual? Am I a straight girl with a strong preference for exclusively lesbian porn?

I don’t know, and I don’t think I need to know right now.

Photos by Dina Veloric.